Passage: Ephesians 5:25-33

The Big Idea

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. That’s agape love: a decision to give yourself away, even to someone who doesn’t deserve it, in order to make them lovely. A husband’s headship means serving, carrying God’s Word into everyday life at home, and caring for his wife as his own body, because they’ve been welded into one. It’s an impossible ministry without the Holy Spirit. With Him, it’s the most powerful picture of the gospel a man can paint.

Husbands Are Clueless

Last time we saw the blessing God intends wives to be and receive: the Christlike love and service that make them a joy and treasure to their husbands.

Not like the commuter who told his seatmate, “My mother-in-law and I have a lot in common. We both wish my wife had married someone else.” Or the man weeping at a grave. A passerby asked, “Your father? A relative?” “Neither,” he sobbed. “It’s my wife’s first husband. Why did he have to die?”

Those sad stories don’t have to be ours. We learned that the solution for a crumbling marriage, a struggling union, a loveless couple, is the Holy Spirit.

We saw Peter, whose emotional promises of love weren’t what Jesus was after. Jesus would teach him that self-sacrificing love, which only the Holy Spirit supplies, was the answer.

Husbands, let’s be honest: we’re mostly clueless about loving our wives. We know we’re supposed to. But when things get tense, we fall back on defensive, self-protecting, self-serving ways so quickly.

Today’s text gives us God’s blueprint for a husband. Maybe last time felt hard, wives, or even scared some people off marriage. But if a husband walks in this kind of love and leadership, his wife will find it a joy to respect and follow him. It won’t even be an issue.

Paul told Timothy that God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Here’s a great verse for men: we aren’t afraid of anything. I like that! But those three words also describe a husband’s ministry beautifully:

Power. Weight behind his words. Leadership. What he says makes a difference.
Love. Not bulldozing through life, but intentionally loving and providing for everyone in his care. Self-sacrificing love.
A sound mind. Not confused by trials, not intimidated, not tossed back and forth. When storms come, he’s a picture of stability and faithfulness, because the Holy Spirit lives in him.

This is what the Spirit gives men: His gift, His promise, His resources, freely given to every believing man. Will you ask for it? Will you open the present?

Because your ministry is impossible. Your task is monumental. Your marriage is a spiritual union that requires spiritual resources. No faking will do. Your wife will know if you’re faking. You have to truly be a spiritual man if you want a spiritual marriage.

I once counseled a marriage that was so sad. The husband was fake, but he didn’t know it. He read his Bible and prayed for hours every morning, but he didn’t love his wife. His “leadership” was a list of rules he enforced ruthlessly, without mercy, and he thought he was doing the Lord’s will. But think about it: Is the Lord more pleased with a family that tries to keep all the rules, or one that displays His love?

Agape (Ephesians 5:25)

Paul tells husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25).

The Greeks had several words for love:

Eros: romantic, desiring love, driven by attraction.
Storge: family love, between parents and children or relatives, driven by kinship.
Philia: brotherly friendship and affection, driven by shared interests. Perhaps the highest love people are capable of without God’s help.
Agape: the love Paul uses here.

Eros, storge and philia are love that is felt, love that rises spontaneously from the heart. Paul assumes desire and affection are present in marriage, and Christians shouldn’t act as if they don’t matter. They do! But Paul is pointing to something higher. Agape is a love of decision as much as feeling, of the mind as much as the heart, because it chooses to love the undeserving. As William Barclay observed, agape has less to do with feelings than with decisions.

So Paul isn’t saying, “Husbands, be nice to your wives,” or, “Put up with the old ball and chain,” or, “Just don’t cheat, and that’s all God wants.” He’s saying: husbands, continually practice self-denial for the sake of your wives.

Just as Jesus poured out His blood for His bride, I’m to give my whole life for mine: my dreams, desires, wishes and plans, laid down.

It’s a love that keeps loving without changing.
A self-giving love that gives without demanding repayment.
A love great enough to be given to the unlovable or unappealing.
A love that keeps loving even when rejected.
It gives because it loves, not in order to get something back. Not just when she laughs at my jokes!

Speaking of jokes: “Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.” And: “What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind; marriage is an eye-opener!”

How can we possibly do this? Through the Holy Spirit. And what would it look like? If only we had some example to follow… “Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Loving your wife has nothing to do with how lovable she is, or how much she respects or submits to you. That’s how the world loves, totally dependent on the response. You’re to love your wife even if she rejects you. That doesn’t change anything. You keep loving. It honors and glorifies God, even when no one else sees.

Spurgeon answered the husband who says, “How can I love a wife like mine?” He imagined a believer bound to someone bitter and difficult, saying, “Surely I’m excused from loving in a case like this.” “But mark, beloved, the wisdom of the apostle,” Spurgeon said. “He silences that excuse… by taking the example of the Savior, who loved, not because there was loveliness in his Church, but in order to make her lovely.”

What Headship Really Means

Marriage is a ministry to God. Husbands, you are the head of your family. But what just flashed through your mind when I said that? “Oh, boy!”

Worldly headship: “I’m your head, so you take orders from me and do whatever I want.”
Godly headship: “I’m your head, so I must care for you and serve you.”
Worldly view of submission: “You must submit to me, so here’s what I want you to do for me.”
Godly view: “You’re called to submit to me, so I’m accountable before God for you. I must care for you and serve you.”

Washing With the Word (Ephesians 5:26-27)

Christ gave Himself for the church to sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, so He could present her to Himself glorious, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, holy and blameless.

Paul is teaching two things at once: about Jesus, and about husbands.

Jesus makes us holy by washing us in His Word. As we spend time with Him in Scripture, we’re made new. Our minds are purified and our souls cleansed. The psalmist asks how a young man can keep his way pure, and answers: by guarding it according to God’s word (Psalm 119:9).

Husbands are responsible to make sure God’s Word is present in their homes.

Not just getting the family to church, though that’s part of it.
Making sure God’s Word isn’t misunderstood or misapplied in everyday life.
Being able to bring the Bible into dinner conversations, talks about bills, the kids, even movies.
God’s Word always cleanses. So keep bringing God’s principles and heart into your conversations, not in a weird way, saying “Thus says the Lord!” every five minutes, but naturally.

Jesus trusts His Word to cleanse us: those who abide in His word are truly His disciples, and they will know the truth, and the truth will set them free (John 8:31-32).

Husbands, do the same. It isn’t your wife’s job to keep your home’s conversations filled with the Word.

“But how can I, if I don’t know much of the Word?” God will give you what you need to know when you need it, if you’re spending time with Him.

When was the last time you spent time in the Word with your wife? Your home’s spiritual atmosphere is your responsibility before God.

Welded Together (Ephesians 5:28-32)

So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church, for we are members of His body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

So far we’ve learned that husbands are to agape-love their wives, following Jesus’ example and using God’s Word as their guide. Now Paul gives a deeper reason: she’s welded to you.

(Men like that illustration. Welding is manly. Notice I didn’t say “sewn together”!)

Welding joins two pieces of metal by melting them so they flow together and cool into one solid piece. Husbands need to understand that they’re spiritually joined to their wives. They can’t undo that union.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones made the point that Paul frames it this way so a husband will see he cannot detach himself from his wife. You can’t detach yourself from your body, and you can’t detach yourself from her. She’s part of you.

Men don’t usually feel this. We feel independent. But we have to believe it. The Word declares it, Jesus models it, and we must understand it.

David Guzik lists the ways we’re one with Jesus, which is the pattern for marriage:

One in life: we share His resurrection life.
One in service: we’re His coworkers.
One in feeling: He sympathizes with us, and we with Him.
One in mutual need: a Redeemer isn’t a redeemer without the redeemed.
One in nature: we share in the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4).
One in possession: we share His riches now and forever.
One in present condition: when He is lifted up, so are we.
One in future destiny: we’ll be glorified with Him.

If God teaches you something and your wife never sees any benefit from it, it was wasted, or it wasn’t real. It wasn’t fruit; it was a man-made attempt at spiritual growth.

The first place spiritual fruit should show up is in your marriage. Even pastors must realize their marriage is their first ministry. A man God is really using has a wife who knows what he’s learning and walking through, and how God is changing him.

Marriage is the real deal. It’s where you are who you really are. You can’t fake it forever. Are you truly spiritual?

If you feel a lack of power when you speak of God at work or school, it may have shown up first at home.

Simply put: when you love your wife, you benefit yourself. Or negatively: when you neglect her, you neglect yourself, and it will come back to hurt you.

Your car has an oil light and a fuel gauge for a reason. Your wife has warning lights too. As her husband, you need to know them and lovingly care for those needs.

Husbands, your wife needs love, more than you can imagine. She needs you to love her more than you love yourself. That’s the deal. You’re bound to her. Loving her is part of knowing and serving the Lord. A husband who refuses to love his wife is showing himself, the church and the world that he isn’t walking in the Spirit, and that’s a dangerous place to be.

Each One of You (Ephesians 5:33)

Paul sums it up: let each husband love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33).

“Each one of you” means every husband and every wife. No one gets to say, “I’m just not the loving type,” or, “I’m just not the submissive type.”

Paul brings us back to the two principles that govern marriage:

Husbands: understand the love you’re called to give your wife, caring for her as for your own body.
Wives: understand your husband’s place as the head, and honor him with respect.

The problem comes when we each look at the other person’s calling and want them to live it out before we start living ours.

Husbands: no matter what your wife does, how she treats you or how much she hurts you, the way forward is love. (I don’t see anyone cutting off their leg because they pulled a hamstring!)

Wives: no matter how dense, self-centered or unloving your husband seems, the way forward is loving respect. (And again: none of this ever requires accepting abuse or sin.)

Look at Jesus. The very people He loved and joined Himself to were committed to destroying Him. (I doubt your spouse is that angry with you!) He didn’t look for a way out. He kept loving them to honor His Father, trusting they would eventually respond.

Let’s bring that attitude into our marriages. Be patient. Be loving. Keep your eyes on Jesus.

Grace Takeaway

Husbands, your model is the Savior who loved a bride who didn’t deserve it, in order to make her lovely. Lead by serving, bring God’s Word into everyday life at home, and cherish your wife as your own body, because she is. You can’t fake this, and you can’t manufacture it. Ask the Holy Spirit daily for His power, love and sound mind, and let your marriage become a living picture of Christ and His Church.

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A Spirit-ual Marriage, Part 2: Husbands