Passage: Exodus 20:12

The Big Idea

“Honor your father and your mother.” Most of us carry some hurt from our parents, and many of us have quietly decided this command doesn’t apply to us. But it doesn’t say “honor your parents if they were good.” Honoring them means forgiving, speaking and thinking well of them, caring for them and, where it doesn’t conflict with God, respecting their wishes. The Rechabites honored their father’s word for more than two centuries, shaming a nation that ignored its heavenly Father. We can’t keep this command in our own strength. But God gives grace to the humble, and He can heal what’s broken.

This Could Be Hard

This may be a difficult one. Don’t be surprised if it stirs up some pain.

Maybe your parents weren’t the greatest. Teachers have funny stories about parents: one sent a cake mix and a can of frosting to school with a note asking the teacher to bake her daughter’s birthday cake. Another returned a test folder days late, explaining she couldn’t sign it because she couldn’t find a pencil.

But some stories aren’t funny at all. We’ve all heard news stories of parents who abandoned children they’d promised to raise, drove drunk with their kids, or treated their children with shocking cruelty.

We could probably spend all day letting each person share their parents’ failures and sins.

The reality is that many of us have broken or strained relationships with our parents. That’s not what the Lord desires. We’ve broken God’s commands, and now we’re reaping the loss of joy in the families He placed us in, by His will, for our good.

Let’s see where it went wrong.

The Command (Exodus 20:12)

God commanded, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

Just a page later, the law said that anyone who struck or cursed his father or mother was to be put to death (Exodus 21:15, 17). God took this very seriously.

What Does It Mean?

To honor means to respect your parents in action and in heart.

Not just saying you honor them, but really honoring them from the heart.
It isn’t always easy or pleasant. You’ll have to do and think things that don’t feel right, fair or even productive.
But this is what God asks of us. It’s what He thinks is important. It’s not optional.
It includes respecting your parents’ spoken and unspoken wishes, wherever they don’t conflict with God’s.

What does honoring my parents look like?

Forgive. This comes first, and we’ll come back to it.
Speak well of them.
Think well of them.
Support them emotionally, relationally and physically. Be there. Don’t abandon them.
Provide for them when they need it. (The flesh says, “Not my responsibility. Am I my brother’s keeper?” But Paul says caring for parents pleases God, 1 Timothy 5:4.)
Spend time with them, with no agenda, or on their agenda.
Write them letters.
Love them, and tell them you love them.
Thank them for what they sacrificed for you.

That heartfelt commitment to your parents’ good is the substance of this command.

“But What If My Parents Are Bad?”

First, forgive. Jesus told us to love our enemies, pray for those who mistreat us and forgive those who hurt us (Matthew 5:44; 6:14-15).

“But if I don’t hold a grudge against them, who will?”

God spoke through Ezekiel to the children of a rebellious generation: don’t follow your fathers’ ways, don’t keep their rules and don’t defile yourselves with their idols. I am the LORD your God; follow My ways instead (Ezekiel 20:18-19).

We can separate ourselves from our parents’ sinful ways, rules and idols.
We reject their disobedience; we don’t join them in it.
We must obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). If believing or unbelieving parents ask you to do something that contradicts God’s Word, you aren’t bound to obey. You’ll have to respectfully decline and obey God.
But in anything that doesn’t conflict with Scripture or the Spirit’s clear leading, we’re to honor their wishes, even when it isn’t what we would have chosen.
And you can honor your parents even if you can’t be close to them because of distance or safety.

Let me be very clear: if a parent is violent or abusive, honoring them does not mean putting yourself or your children in danger. Abuse is never the victim’s fault. If you’re in danger, get to safety and contact the authorities. Honor may then look like forgiving from a distance, praying for them and refusing to repay evil for evil.

But that’s not usually the situation. It’s relatively rare.

Usually, we’ve been offended or hurt by something our parents did or said, and we’ve stopped listening to them. We’re angry, hurting and bitter. We can’t believe how selfish or thoughtless they were. So we either get back at them, or we stop trusting them. We stop talking to them, stop loving them in practical ways, and blame their sin for our attitude.

Dealing with our parents that way is sin.

Want the honest truth? We usually choose to disregard this command because of pride. We’re hurt and don’t know what to do. We’re self-centered. We’re sinners. We’re so bad at relationships and reconciliation that we don’t even know where to begin. We try to obey and keep failing. It’s a high and holy standard. We don’t know how to love our enemies, let alone parents who were supposed to be the ones who would never hurt us, yet wounded us more deeply than we knew was possible.

And the standard doesn’t change if they were sinners or failures. It doesn’t say, “Honor only the good parents.”

It’s Repeated in the New Testament

Paul tells children to obey their parents in the Lord because it’s right, and reminds them that “honor your father and mother” is the first command that comes with a promise: that life may go well and be long (Ephesians 6:1-3).
There’s a blessing attached. Why isn’t my life experiencing the blessing it could? Possibly because I’m missing out on what God wanted to do for me here.
Paul also says children’s obedience is pleasing to the Lord (Colossians 3:20).
Need more motivation? This makes God happy.
When we’re born again as His children, what motivates us more than our Father’s joy? Nothing.
Obeying this command is all blessing. We’re the ones who miss out on joy when we disobey it.
We honor our parents because it pleases God. And it pleases God because it reflects the heart of Jesus, who honored His Father in every way, even when the Father sent Him to the cross as our substitute.

The Rechabites (Jeremiah 35)

God can use you to change the world when you live this out. Look at the Rechabites.

God told Jeremiah to bring the Rechabite family into one of the side rooms of the temple and offer them wine. So Jeremiah brought the whole clan into a room near the princes’ quarters, an impressive, prestigious place, set bowls full of wine and cups in front of them, and said, “Drink.”

They refused. Their ancestor Jonadab son of Rechab had commanded them never to drink wine, never to build houses, plant fields or vineyards, but to live in tents all their lives. And for generations, they, their wives, sons and daughters had done exactly that. They’d only come into Jerusalem because Nebuchadnezzar’s armies had invaded.

That wasn’t fun, easy or convenient. The flesh would have said, “I’m out of here. You can’t tell me how to live!”
Jonadab lived back in the days of King Jehu (2 Kings 10:15-23), more than two centuries earlier. “That was ages ago; surely it doesn’t apply anymore.” The flesh can wriggle out of almost anything.
But God used the crisis to put the Rechabites on display, to show Judah how guilty and disobedient they were.

Then God told Jeremiah to ask the people of Judah: Won’t you learn a lesson and obey My words? Jonadab’s descendants have kept his command not to drink wine to this very day. He spoke once, and centuries later they still obey. But I have spoken to you again and again, rising early, sending prophet after prophet, telling you to turn from your evil ways and stop following other gods, and you haven’t listened to Me.

The Rechabites exposed how corrupt Judah had become, and how we can be.
So God announced judgment on Judah, because He had spoken and they had refused to listen.

But to the Rechabites, God said through Jeremiah: Because you have obeyed your father Jonadab and kept all his instructions, Jonadab will never fail to have a descendant to stand before Me.

The Rechabites honored their earthly father, and in doing so they honored their Father in heaven, like a child who makes his Father proud.

Do you see your parents as part of God’s will for you?

We do that with marriage: God’s will is for me to love my spouse. Easy enough to accept.
But we check out of this one fast. We make it depend on what we get out of it.

The Religious Loophole (Mark 7:5-13)

How do we try to get out of this command instead of surrendering to it?

The Pharisees and scribes criticized Jesus’ disciples for not following the elders’ handwashing traditions. Jesus called them hypocrites and quoted Isaiah about people who honor God with their lips while their hearts are far from Him. Then He said, “You have a fine way of setting aside God’s command to keep your own tradition! Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother.’ But you say that if someone declares that whatever support his parents might have received from him is Corban, a gift devoted to God, then he no longer has to do anything for them. You nullify God’s word by your tradition.”

The flesh can worm its way out of almost anything.
If you don’t want to honor your parents, you’ll find an excuse, even a religious one. Even church or God can become your excuse.
But God sees it all. He sees the heart.

Guilty, and Then Grace

How does all this make you feel? Confident and ready to be judged? Or guilty and humbled by God’s Word?

I hope the latter. Because God gives grace to the humble. He wants to forgive and cleanse us. He wants to save.

The Old Covenant command shows us our guilt, so the New Covenant’s grace can wash us clean and change us from the inside.

How?

Confess. Talk to the Lord about your failures here. Have you failed to honor your parents? Confess it. And where it’s safe and wise, call them. Tell them you’re sorry for not honoring, forgiving or loving them.
Repent. Agree with God that His command is holy, just and good, and that you’ve failed to keep it. Turn your eyes to Jesus and His perfect obedience.
Ask. Ask Him to supply the grace to step forward and obey in faith. His answer will always be “Yes” and “Amen.”

I know this is hard. We’ve probably touched some deep places that didn’t appreciate being poked. That’s what the law does; it’s very good at it.

How long will we disobey God and blame others for it?
How long will we hold the poison in our mouths without spitting it out?
How long will we expect God to bless us while ignoring clear sin?

Grace Takeaway

This command doesn’t say “honor the parents who deserve it,” and that’s exactly why we can’t keep it on our own. But Jesus honored His Father perfectly, all the way to the cross, and He offers us His forgiveness and His heart. Confess your failure, receive His cleansing, and ask Him for the grace to forgive and honor. It isn’t possible in our strength. But surrendered to His will, we’re filled with His strength, and broken families can begin to heal.

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The Fifth Command: Honor Your Parents