Passage: Hebrews 3:13; Ephesians 4:29
The Big Idea
Everyone loves to be encouraged, and God brought husbands and wives together so each would have a live-in encourager. When encouragement is missing, spouses feel defeated and starved. Wives can encourage husbands by pointing out God’s work in them; husbands can encourage wives by understanding them, putting them first, recognizing God’s work in them and honoring them publicly. Encouraging isn’t nagging: encouraging serves and trusts God, while nagging wants to be served and tries to do God’s work. Surrender to God’s will, and He’ll bless your marriage.
Everyone Needs Encouragement
Kids are honest about it. A child might say, “Let’s play a game. I’ll make all the moves, and you tell me what a good job I’m doing!” Honestly, most of us feel the same way.
Will Rogers is often credited with quipping that we can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Do you encourage your spouse daily, or discourage them? There isn’t a person here who doesn’t need encouragement. And God brought us together in pairs so we’d each have a live-in encourager.
Exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today” (Hebrews 3:13). Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but what is good for building up, that it may impart grace to the hearers (Ephesians 4:29).
Are you the one your spouse knows they can turn to in tough times?
When Encouragement Is Missing
- Wives: if your husband doesn’t hear you cheering him on, he’ll feel discouraged and defeated, and he’ll be tempted to look for affirmation elsewhere.
- Husbands: if you don’t appreciate and encourage your wife, she’ll feel starved for it. If encouragement isn’t a steady part of her life, she’s going hungry.
Wives, we men have a weakness we don’t like to admit: a deep need to be affirmed by our wives. We need your attention and affirmation almost like oxygen.
Husbands, our wives have a deep need to hear us say, often and out loud, that they’re the most important person in our lives. It isn’t enough to appreciate her quietly. Tell her. And every wife is different, like a custom-built classic car. Learn how your wife needs to be loved and encouraged.
What Do We Encourage?
Wives: remind him of God’s work in his life
- When you see your husband take a stand for what’s right, tell him you see God’s character in him.
- When he’s discouraged, bless him with encouragement from God’s Word.
- When you see the fruit of the Spirit in him (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), tell him.
Husbands: love her in ways she can feel
- Understand her. At the end of a long day, she may want to share her feelings with you. She isn’t necessarily looking for solutions. She wants to share her heart so her burdens are lifted and her bond with you grows stronger (1 Peter 3:7).
- Give her first place. When your wife isn’t first among your earthly priorities, she feels overlooked. Sometimes what’s crowding her out seems so important you don’t even notice. But after the Lord, nothing is more important than your wife and family. You’d never think of starving her of food; don’t starve her of the encouragement she needs.
- Point out her potential. Not “You should be…” but “I see God doing this in you already. Keep growing in that!”
- Publicly declare your love and appreciation for her (Proverbs 31:28-29).
Encouraging vs. Nagging
What’s the difference?
- Encouraging is serving. Nagging is wanting to be served.
- Encouraging trusts the Lord to do the work. Nagging tries to do the work yourself.
Nagging turns a spouse off instantly. It becomes a burden instead of a blessing. It starts in the heart, and spouses seem to have a sixth sense for it. God won’t let nagging succeed; it gums up the work He wants to do in a marriage.
Husbands, encouragement never means yelling or losing your temper. Ever. It means gently leading, as Jesus would. Your wife can’t be treated roughly, no matter what your family did growing up or what your personality is.
Grace Takeaway
You can’t manufacture this kind of encouragement on your own, but Jesus, who encourages you endlessly by His grace, can pour it through you. Surrender to God’s will in your marriage, ask Him to make you your spouse’s biggest encourager, and watch Him bless your home.
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