Passage: Colossians 3:18-21

The Big Idea

Training our children has two parts: discipling and disciplining. Before we get there, God gives us an order for the home. Marriage is His creation, and following His way matters more than following our culture or how we were raised. Scripture calls husbands and fathers to lead, not as dictators, but as gentle, patient servants who take responsibility. Husbands and wives are equal in worth and different by design, and they complete each other. Wives are called to support their husbands’ leadership as fitting in the Lord. And fathers are the spiritual leaders of their homes, no seminary required, dependent on the Lord.

Training Has Two Parts

Discipling
Disciplining

God has given us a way of managing the home: instructions for how to do this family thing.

Single people: bear with us. You can learn these principles, help others, and you might marry someday!
Married people: this is God’s Word. Following it brings blessing.

Marriage Is God’s Design

“It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18).

“Helper” isn’t a lesser word. God Himself is called our Helper (Psalm 54:4).

“A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

See your life as one.
We may need to set aside how our culture says to do family, and maybe how we saw it done growing up.

“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children… he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26).

God’s way, or theirs? It must be God’s way: His Word and will over what others think.
“My parents did it this way.” Maybe. But do what God says.

Husbands Are Called to Lead

The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in all things, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, don’t provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:18-21).

This kind of leadership is actually freeing for a wife.

Not a dictator

The husband and father leads as God instructs, not as a dictator lording over his family with a heavy hand.

A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition (2 Timothy 2:24-26).

Gentle. Patient. Humble. That’s the leadership Jesus models.

Not passive

The husband and father isn’t passive or uninvolved. He doesn’t hand off his responsibility.

Older dictionaries defined a husband as the one who manages and directs a household, and “to husband” as to guide with careful, delicate treatment. That’s a beautiful picture.
Fathers, understand the profound influence God has given you on your children. It cuts both ways: a father’s absence or harshness leaves deep marks, and a father’s loving presence brings great blessing.
Dads, step up and lead in discipline too.

Equal and different

Wives, this isn’t unfair.

A husband isn’t better, more important or smarter than his wife.
By God’s design, husbands and wives differ, and we need to embrace those differences to complete each other.
My wife completes me. I need her insight to understand our kids’ hearts. She’s a perfect partner in parenting.
Sometimes, after hearing her out, I make the call, and she backs me up. God blesses that kind of unity.

God’s Order Brings Blessing

God’s design works like His other laws. Ignore gravity, and you’ll feel it. When we resist God’s order in our homes, things tend to get confused and heavy, and many wives end up carrying burdens God never meant them to carry alone. Sometimes God lets things get out of control to draw us back to His way.

Submission is a voluntary attitude of yielding, cooperating and helping carry the load.

A wife supports her husband’s leadership as fitting in the Lord: unless it conflicts with God’s clear commands (for example, forbidding her to talk with the children about the Lord).
And biblical submission never means staying in danger. If there is abuse in a home, get to safety and get help. That isn’t rebellion against God’s order; it’s protecting what God loves.

Blended Families and Unbelieving Spouses

In a blended family, still follow God’s design. Discipline is often a major point of conflict in blended homes, so unity matters even more. A child may say, “He’s not my dad!” A wise mom can answer, “I know, but I’ve embraced God’s design because I want God to bless us. I’m trusting the Lord.”
If a husband doesn’t believe: Wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if some don’t obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Working Together

Here’s a common trap: Dad yells, Mom defends the child, Dad feels undermined, and everything falls apart. That’s what happens when we parent in the flesh.
Both parents need to submit to God’s plan.
Dads, you’re the spiritual leader of your home. No seminary required. The moment you became a father, God called you to it. You can only do it by trusting the Lord.
Moms have a precious role in comforting, hugging and nurturing after discipline. Kids need that softness.
Single parents carry both roles, through the power of the Holy Spirit. He is more than enough.

Grace Takeaway

God’s order for the home isn’t about who’s in charge; it’s about reflecting Christ and His church. Husbands, lead like Jesus: gently, humbly and sacrificially. Wives, support that leadership as fitting in the Lord. Single parents, lean on the Lord as your Husband and Helper. None of us can do this in our own strength, but He gives grace for every role.

For Discussion

What did leadership in your home look like growing up? How does it compare with Scripture?
Husbands: where do you need to step up, or soften?
Wives: how can you encourage your husband’s leadership?
How can you and your spouse present a united front in parenting?

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Parenting 5: God’s Order for the Home