Passage: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The Big Idea

Do you love your kids? Love is the most powerful motivator there is, and it’s what Jesus used to win us. Yet many of us wound our children’s hearts by how we talk to them. The flesh reacts: no thought, no control. The Spirit responds: with thought, self-control and time. Love isn’t a feeling; it’s a choice to place value on someone, expressed in actions. First Corinthians 13 gives us a mirror for how we communicate with our kids, and the Holy Spirit brings conviction, not condemnation, so we can change with His help.

Become a Student of Your Children

My kids are all so different. Yours are too.

We need to become students of our children and adjust how we communicate with each one.
What if we ignore them, or shut them out? It can have long-lasting effects.
Time with them is huge. What do we do when we get home from work? Who is really raising our kids: us, or our screens?
It’s a sacrifice!

What Motivates People?

Roughly in order of power:

Love.
Physical needs: food, warmth.
Pleasure: things we enjoy.
Pain and fear.

Which one do we usually reach for first? Love is what will grow our children into mature believers. Love is what moved Jesus to come and die on the cross for us.

React or Respond?

Reacting is acting in response to a stimulus, often in opposition. It takes no thought and no control. It’s our flesh.

Picture taking a sword to your child’s heart every time you react in the flesh. Wounds can become infected, and it often shows up in the teen years.
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls (Proverbs 25:28).
Put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth (Colossians 3:8).
It’s very common to react in the flesh and then never take responsibility for it.

Responding takes thought (taking every thought captive), self-control (the fruit of the Spirit) and time. Never discipline in anger.

The heart of the righteous studies how to answer (Proverbs 15:28).
Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20).
Even when they’re not right. Even when they’re trying to get under your skin.
For a strong-willed child, your anger is like gasoline on a fire. They have the potential to be great, but they need strong love to motivate them.

Have you ever been yelling at your kid, then the phone rings and you answer in a totally different voice? Our kids notice. There’s no excusing it; we need to repent.

Put On Love

Above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection (Colossians 3:14).

Love isn’t a feeling. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s a choice to place value on a person.
Sometimes that means acting in love when you don’t feel it, choosing to respond in love and crucifying the flesh.
Love is always a verb. It’s action, and it’s always directed toward someone else.

As we go through this, the enemy wants you to feel condemned. The Holy Spirit brings conviction instead. Why is God showing you these things now? So you can change, with His help. Not without Him.

Love in Practice (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Love is patient. Impatience puts unrealistic expectations on kids. Kids disobey. Babies cry. Toddlers say “Mine!” Teens push back. Some children need correction many times a day; some rarely. It takes work and patience (Galatians 5:22).
Love is kind. Not yelling or screaming, or treating every mistake as an attack on our authority. Were you raised to think it wasn’t discipline unless someone was angry? We can learn to correct with a smile. Be kindly affectionate to one another (Romans 12:10). Sadly, parents can be harsher with their own kids than with anyone else.
Love doesn’t envy. Parents can resent the ease or gifts in their kids’ lives. Instead, are you blessing and encouraging them in their talents?
Love doesn’t brag. “When I was your age…” There’s never a need to impress our kids or belittle them by comparison, with us or their siblings. Let the Lord commend you.
Love isn’t puffed up. Not controlling. Train them; don’t trap them. “I’m watching you! I’m going to get you!” isn’t training. Do your kids feel like valued members of the team? We lead not as lords over those entrusted to us, but as examples (1 Peter 5:3).
Love isn’t rude. Don’t embarrass or demean your child by discussing their failures in front of others, or correcting them publicly.
Love doesn’t insist on its own way. Many of our rules are really preferences. If it isn’t sin, don’t let your preferences dictate everything. Find out what your kids love!
Love keeps no record of wrongs. Don’t keep score of your kids’ failures and beat them over the head with them later. Don’t just look at who they are now; see who they’re becoming.
Love doesn’t rejoice in wrongdoing. No “I told you so, you got what you deserved” when they fall and face consequences.
Love rejoices in the truth. Praise them for the good they do.
Love bears all things. Don’t criticize or neglect your child when they miss your expectations. They’re children. God knows they won’t be perfect. Training them is your job. Bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).
Love believes and hopes all things. Don’t constantly doubt everything your child says before you hear the facts.
Love endures all things. Parenting is hard work. Endure, and finish the roughly twenty years you’re given.

Conclusion

Fathers, don’t provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21). This applies to both parents.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but what is good for building up, that it may impart grace to the hearers… Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:29-32).

Grace Takeaway

God’s love for you is patient, kind and keeps no record of wrongs. That’s the love He wants to pour through you to your kids. You can’t manufacture it, but you can receive it and choose to put it on. When you’ve reacted in the flesh, own it, apologize and let His Spirit teach you to respond instead.

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Parenting 3: Loving Communication